Episode 27: Robot? Human? You Decide.

Thanks to our guest poster for sharing her own dating misadventures! 

So I try out this new dating app (which will go unnamed, but think “bee”) and it is supposed to allow the woman to decide who they want to communicate with. You pick the age range and how far in distance you want to travel to meet someone. Then, the algorithm (not sure if it was developed by CIA or FBI) does its thing and up pops your potential matches. You either swipe left for “not in a million years” or swipe right for “sure, you don’t look like a serial killer”. If your potential match also liked you, then you get to look at his profile and start up a conversation. It’s totally a superficial way to pick a date, but what the heck.

So, now on to my tale of dating woes.  I was with a good friend and after having a few cocktails we decided I needed to post my profile and see what happens. Decisions made with alcohol always lead to the best stories.  I listed my hobbies - favorite college football team, that I’m adventurous and love to have fun, that I like wine tastings and concerts, etc. And lo and behold I get my first match.

I was matched with Cap’t Yawn.

Me: “Hi, I am new at this…So you are a captain of what?”

Cap’t Yawn: “Nice meeting you. I was USCG charter captain. Fishing guide thanks for asking.”

Me: “So where do you fish?” Jax, St. Augustine or better yet the Keys?”

Cap’t Yawn: Yea, wish it were the keys! LOL I fish both areas from Jax to St. Aug.

Me: “What else do you like to do for fun?”

Cap’t Yawn:   …Crickets...

Cap’t Yawn must not be the inquisitive type because he didn’t ask me a single thing.  But by his lack of response, I’m going to assume he succumbed to the water Perfect Storm style.  Farewell, fair Cap’t Yawn.  I’m off to look for other fish in the sea.

I got another match very quickly with a gentleman who only goes by one name.  You know, like Prince or Iman.  So, that’s interesting, but we’ll go with it and call you Smith.  Now Smith has a profile that says, “I am cool and fun to be with.” I figured “what the hell, so am I” and start a conversation:

Me: “Hi Smith, I am pretty new to this so tell me a little about yourself.”

Smith: “Hi”

Scintillating starter there, Smith.  I try again to get a little information:

Me: “So, what makes you so cool and fun to be with?”

Smith: “So how long have you been on this site?”

I guess reading comprehension isn’t Smith’s strong suit.  You say you’re fun and cool – tell me why!  Maybe my fingers stuttered as I typed? Or maybe Smith is afraid to tell me what makes him fun and cool.  That’s a little scary… and creepy. Okay, benefit of the doubt, messaging can come across weird so I answer:

Me: “A little over a week, and you?”

Smith: “Me too. What are you looking for?”

Me: “I want to meet a nice guy and see where it goes.”

Smith: “How long have you been single?”

I asked him the same question and we surprisingly have been single about the same amount of time. That is…if he is telling the truth…Now his next move is:

Smith: “Let’s text by phone instead.”

Me: “Ok, send me your number.”

Do I send Smith my digits and we start the texting phase of the “getting to know each other dance.” If he’s weird, I can always block him on my phone. Let’s recap:  Smith is single and self proclaimed to be fun and cool.  Prove it, Smithy boy. 

Smith: “Nice to see you here.” I am not always up on that site.” (Really?  Never on the site?  Remember this for later.)

Me: I was kind of nervous going on that site. Hard to meet people these days but figured I would give it a try. So, tell me more about you. I am taking a leap and guessing you are an Aggies fan since you are wearing a hat with their name on it.” (I thought it might be a nice ice breaker talking about our favorite college teams. I thought wrong!).

Smith: …crickets…

Next morning…

Smith: “Good morning to sweetie, how was your night?”

Me: Blah, blah, usual response about having a good night and heading to work.  I ask about him and tell him to have a great day.

Later that day…

Smith: “Hi, how are you doing?”

Me: Doing well. Sitting at home with my dog in my lap. And yes, he is spoiled.”

Smith: “LOL, that’s cool.”

Mkay.  Wonderful insight Smith. We already established that I’m a cool chick, what about you??? 

Me: “Do you have any pets?”

Smith: “I have a dog and you?”

Me: “Umm a dog, remember the one sitting in my lap. What kind of dog do you have?”

Smith: “LOL, that’s cool yes.”

Mkay, so Smith, who is never on the dating site, is obviously getting his ladies confused.  I guess Smith forgot he could scroll up and see the prior conversation before being painfully obvious that he’s not paying attention because we just talked about my dog.  Unless Smith has a brain injury and is like Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates.  In that case, Smith – I’m fine, and yes, I have a dog that is adorable and spoiled.  How are you?  Great.  Yep, I’m doing great, too.  Yes, I love animals and have a dog.  He’s super cute.  Oh, me?  Doing good.  Yep, that’s my dog. 

But seriously, these conversations feel like I’m chatting with a robot.  I think I’m going to put a Captcha on my profile.  And it’ll only be clear every 5^th time so they have to really, really want to chat with me to make it through.