Episode 17: 50 Shades of what?

I always find it interesting when people use a mainstream dating site trying to find someone who, ah, has specific requests in a partner.

Let's take Mr. Make It Hurt, for example.  His profile says he has a "naturally dominant personality" but can only think of spending his life with a "dominant girl" with a "very strong and controlling personality." Then there is some crap about feeling and acting like a queen, blah, blah, blah.

Episode 16: It's raining men, ya'll!

There have been a slew of messages from gentleman that just don't meet the cut to be my boyfriend.  Seriously, this is reminiscent of a theme park when you see the "You must be ___ tall to ride this ride."  Maybe I should just remove my entire narrative and just post the list of what you must have and not have for me to consider you a viable dating candidate.  And no, I'm not that picky, the list isn't that damn long. 

Mr. FOB (that's Fresh Off the Boat for you non-immigrant peeps): "I love u good smile how are u I want long relationship." Pros - Um, well, he lives in California and I've never visited. Cons - If he's 39 then I'm 21 and Jessica Biel. While I'm moved by the lack of punctuation and immediate declarations of love, I'm going to have to pass.

Episode 15:

In honor of all the mystery men who have blank profiles, I'm leaving the title blank on this one.  I know not everyone is gifted in prose, but a person of moderate intelligence should be able to compose at least a few sentences about themselves for an online dating profile.    Let's take Mr. Beach, for example.

Episode 14: Sweet baby Jesus, I'm staying single forever. On purpose.

I've found that men on online dating sites can be split into two categories:  the seemingly normal guys and the  weirdos who just open with crazy.  Take this most recent series of messages and I'll let you guess which category I've put him in...

Him:  "I like thick you beautiful"

Seriously? Men really need to stop immediately complimenting body parts below the neck. It's not flattering, it's creepy.  How about the collar bone?  I'm kind of a fan of my collar bone.  Makes me feel all feminine (totally) and skinny (Ha!  Put down the chocolate.) when I see it in pictures.  Actually, on second thought, don't.  If you complemented my collar bone I'd probably wonder if you're Jeffrey Dahmer and sizing me up for dinner.

Episode 13: I'm on a boat.

Okay, I'm not really on a boat.    But I totally dated T-Pain.  Well, not really.  But my version of T-Pain has a boat.  He loves his boat.  And most of his profile pictures are of him on a boat. Now T-Pain is a date that has lingered.  Ya see, what had happened was T-Pain and I tried to coordinate a meet for about a month.  I wasn't super interested so didn't take special effort to make the time.  Then we actually set a meeting but he totally flaked on me.  I wrote him off, but he apologized sincerely.  My life was a tornado at that point, so no second meeting was immediately scheduled. One evening T-Pain was texting me trying to make plans.  Like instantaneous plans.  As in, he went from texting to asking me to get in my car and meet him somewhere.   Yeah, I require planning before entering into a stranger/danger situation. Someone's gotta know where I am so they can call the cops should I end up on your boat walking the plank. I'm all down for spontaneity with people I know. And have met. And I know their last name.