I've found that men on online dating sites can be split into two categories: the seemingly normal guys and the weirdos who just open with crazy. Take this most recent series of messages and I'll let you guess which category I've put him in...
Him: "I like thick you beautiful"
Seriously? Men really need to stop immediately complimenting body parts below the neck. It's not flattering, it's creepy. How about the collar bone? I'm kind of a fan of my collar bone. Makes me feel all feminine (totally) and skinny (Ha! Put down the chocolate.) when I see it in pictures. Actually, on second thought, don't. If you complemented my collar bone I'd probably wonder if you're Jeffrey Dahmer and sizing me up for dinner.
Him: "Can I see your pics"
First, punctuation is your friend. Second, um...wha? I have pictures on my profile, look at those. Oh, you saw those? You want more? What kind of pictures? One of me in a snow suit, right? I'm definitely right.
My spidey-sense is tingling that this gentleman is only after sexy time. So I took a line from the men folk and asked him what he's looking for on the site. He says he wants a girlfriend, preferably long term. Surprising, but okay, I'll go with it. And then...
Him: "I want three kids"
Me: ...crickets chirping...
Him: "Can you handle"
Well then. Can I handle three kids? Sure. Do I want to be your baby mama? Doubtful. I mean, I wish you the best of luck in finding a thick, beautiful goddess such as myself that will immediately want to be the vessel in which your seed can blossom into the three children you see in your future. Besides the fact that he totally ignored the part that says I'm mid-30s. I mean, come on people. TV and magazines tell me my ovaries are aging by the second here and I'll be lucky to ever have children since I'm not 19 and perpetually making bad life choices. Let's just be hopeful I can push out two kids before I hit 40 much less aiming for needing an SUV.
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