There have been a slew of messages from gentleman that just don't meet the cut to be my boyfriend. Seriously, this is reminiscent of a theme park when you see the "You must be ___ tall to ride this ride." Maybe I should just remove my entire narrative and just post the list of what you must have and not have for me to consider you a viable dating candidate. And no, I'm not that picky, the list isn't that damn long.
Mr. FOB (that's Fresh Off the Boat for you non-immigrant peeps): "I love u good smile how are u I want long relationship." Pros - Um, well, he lives in California and I've never visited. Cons - If he's 39 then I'm 21 and Jessica Biel. While I'm moved by the lack of punctuation and immediate declarations of love, I'm going to have to pass.
Mr. Gross: Of course his profile picture is him shirtless and his name brags about his physique. You know what that means, boys and girls, an inappropriate sexual message is coming up! His message, and I'm quoting because why summarize this comedy gold, is : "WOW U THICK U EVER FEELING NAUGHTY LOOK ME UP." Now, I'm not a genius and I totally use urbandictionary.com when I need to, but did this guy just call me fat AND proposition me for sex in the same breath??? Dear Mr. Gross: My standards will NEVER be low enough to respond to you. But let me give you a little life lesson here, if you call a woman fat, the chances of her wanting to do the horizontal mambo with you drop not to zero but to a negative number. You're welcome.
Red Sox Fan: He asked if I wanted to chill. Today. Sweetie, if you want time on my calendar, you'll need to work harder than that. And book far in advance. Think of me as a Micheline Star Restaurant. You must appreciate quality, plan ahead, and not be afraid to drop some cash.
The Shapeshifter: I got a notification that someone "winked" at me. I check and see a wink from a different user. Apparently between the hours of midnight and 9am, FantasticWho decided to become LesD. So I check him out and immediately notice a deal breaker because FantasticD or whatever his name is has kids and doesn't want more. I simply cannot deprive the world of a mini-me with gloriously chubby cheeks.
Mr. Fitness: Just a suggestion, buddy, but if you're looking for love, you should probably delete the following from your profile: failed marriage, crappy job, and unhappy. No normal lady wants to be a part of that. If she does, let's be honest, you'll probably end up on Springer or Maury.
I Can't Even: He doesn't deserve a nickname. His relationship status is currently separated. Read: Married. And his profile picture is of a couple - a woman glaring at the camera and some guy (presumably him?) is in the background. I don't know about you, but when I'm looking for a healthy, stable relationship, married men are not a top prospect. There would never be any drama there. Or, ya know, lack of trust because fidelity and monogamy are so last decade.
And last, but certainly not lease, we have Mr. Obvious. His username is "Godilovetits." You know what I love? Gentlemen. And you, sir, are far from one.
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