Episode 15:

In honor of all the mystery men who have blank profiles, I'm leaving the title blank on this one.  I know not everyone is gifted in prose, but a person of moderate intelligence should be able to compose at least a few sentences about themselves for an online dating profile.    Let's take Mr. Beach, for example.

Mr. Beach is 25 and lives in a small city near me.  He has a blank profile so I know nothing about him other than his age, his username, and where he lives.  He didn't even put a picture of himself - it's a beach scene reminiscent of the Windows XP wallpaper.  But Mr. Beach said more than just hello!  His message was as follows:

"Hi gorgeous.you're stunning and adorable. I live in st Augustine.its a perfect place for dating but looking for my romance. I like to date you go beaches, parks watching ducks and backwaters to sit by fort.Planning to go dancing tonight in st augustine.shall we date. Can you join for a drink and dance . How are you."

My, my, my, there are so many things wrong with this.  First, I don't believe Mr. Beach's first language was English.  Actually, I hope his first language wasn't English, because if it was, I need to move before I have children because I want them to know how to read.  So you might be an immigrant - cool.  I'm a pro at understanding people who speak with accents thanks to my immigrant family.  I totally agree that I'm stunning and adorable.  And did I mention humble?  But I digress. 

I'm not really into watching ducks and backwaters.  I mean, I'll commune with nature occasionally.  But my version of outdoors is slathering myself with enough DEET that I'll set off a toxicity alarm and spending just enough time to enjoy myself before I retreat to air conditioning and an ice cold drink.  I love the ocean, especially when I view it from an oceanfront balcony.  And the river is beautiful, especially when admired from the dock of my riverfront home.  I am intrigued by the dancing, however.  Every woman will admit that a man who can dance is automatically more attractive.  It's just a default bump up on the hotness scale.  But I'm curious, what kind of dancing?  Salsa?  Hip hop? Funky chicken? A girl needs to know what she's getting into!  You know, I thought of a perfect place where you can expound on your love of dance.  In your damn profile!  Now get to typing.