Episode 27: Robot? Human? You Decide.

Thanks to our guest poster for sharing her own dating misadventures! 

So I try out this new dating app (which will go unnamed, but think “bee”) and it is supposed to allow the woman to decide who they want to communicate with. You pick the age range and how far in distance you want to travel to meet someone. Then, the algorithm (not sure if it was developed by CIA or FBI) does its thing and up pops your potential matches. You either swipe left for “not in a million years” or swipe right for “sure, you don’t look like a serial killer”. If your potential match also liked you, then you get to look at his profile and start up a conversation. It’s totally a superficial way to pick a date, but what the heck.

Episode 26: Not the Brightest Crayon

Ermagherd.  Now listen, I don't profess to be a genius, but I am smarter than the average bear.  And I need to date someone who has some brains otherwise they won't get my smartass jokes and I'll be laughing and they'll be sitting there all awkward with a blank stare on their face.  

Episode 25: Revenge of the Dick Pic

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sad to say my streak of avoiding unsolicited dick pics has been broken.  Thanks, Paul.  Now I have to reset my "It's been ____ days since I've been sent a dick pic." sign.

Episode 24: I think I almost got engaged...

So let me tell you about Sean.  Sean messaged me and is apparently one of those guys who knows what he wants and goes after it when he finds it.  A few days ago, I was his target. Alas, the warning bells went off and I told Sean to move along.  Let me share with you the lovely messages I received...

Episode 23: Mr. Poet Returns

Yet another gem from Mr. Poet.  We're getting more background information so I can complete my profile and turn it over to Criminal Minds.

Episode 22: The Poet Laureate

I, along with presumably hundreds of other women, received a message from a man I can only describe as the self appointed online dating poet laureate.  Mr. Poet composes a novel and then utilizing his computer skills, he tries to ctrl+c/ctrl+v his way into some lucky lady's heart.  Behold, I give you Mr. Poet's piece de resistance in all its verbatim glory:

Episode 21: Um, what???

So I received a message from a guy that said: "Haven't called u playin games"

Um, what??? No clue who this guy is, no clue what his name is.  He isn't my type and I sure as hell wouldn't have said I'd call him. So I'm left to wonder (1) who is he confusing me with? or (2) is this some jacked up pick up line I was supposed to fall for?  I didn't answer, so it will remain a mystery.

And then there was this one:
"Hi (smiley emoticon) I like your profile and your Big Brain (laughing crying emoticon) are you christian? Are you familiar to Catch the fire and house of prayer churches there in toronto? I am going there this summer (blushing emoticon) Anyways I like you and your profile (winky emoticon) God Bless you (heart) seeya!"

Episode 20: Liars Need Not Apply

What the hell is up with men lying about their age???  And it's not like a year or two, we're talking decades.

First there was Mr. Counselor.  He worked for a local social services agency and seemed educated and interesting.  We had some decent conversations and met for coffee.

Mr. C:  Well, I know I said I'm 34, but I'm not.
Me:  Really?  I had no clue you weren't 34.  The face that looks at least a decade older than that didn't give me the slightest clue.

Episode 19: That's your best line?

I'm seeing a pattern of men using the same line over and over.  Apparently it must work at least some of the time or they'd find something else to try.

Mr. Polygamist:  Hi most people hate when guys lie and have hidden agenda so I'll get straight to the point can you marry me
Me: So you're a bigamist? Because it looks like you've asked many women to marry you today.
Mr. Polygamist: No not true at all.
Me: Oh, so just me and my friend then?
Mr. Polygamist: Lol this is true actually only message 3 people honestly.

Episode 18: Your emotional baggage is showing.

I wonder if therapists ever go online dating.  It's a treasure trove of dysfunction and  probably a therapist's dream.  Sometimes people make it really easy to see the hangups and issues they're toting around from a previous relationship.  
Let's first meet Mr. Hungstud.  The information we can glean from his name indicates he likes rope and horses.  No, that's not it.  He likes ladders and poker?  Oh, hung, not rung.  Wait!  I've got it!  He drives a really flashy sports car!  Right?? Right??  I'm totally right. 

Episode 17: 50 Shades of what?

I always find it interesting when people use a mainstream dating site trying to find someone who, ah, has specific requests in a partner.

Let's take Mr. Make It Hurt, for example.  His profile says he has a "naturally dominant personality" but can only think of spending his life with a "dominant girl" with a "very strong and controlling personality." Then there is some crap about feeling and acting like a queen, blah, blah, blah.

Episode 16: It's raining men, ya'll!

There have been a slew of messages from gentleman that just don't meet the cut to be my boyfriend.  Seriously, this is reminiscent of a theme park when you see the "You must be ___ tall to ride this ride."  Maybe I should just remove my entire narrative and just post the list of what you must have and not have for me to consider you a viable dating candidate.  And no, I'm not that picky, the list isn't that damn long. 

Mr. FOB (that's Fresh Off the Boat for you non-immigrant peeps): "I love u good smile how are u I want long relationship." Pros - Um, well, he lives in California and I've never visited. Cons - If he's 39 then I'm 21 and Jessica Biel. While I'm moved by the lack of punctuation and immediate declarations of love, I'm going to have to pass.

Episode 15:

In honor of all the mystery men who have blank profiles, I'm leaving the title blank on this one.  I know not everyone is gifted in prose, but a person of moderate intelligence should be able to compose at least a few sentences about themselves for an online dating profile.    Let's take Mr. Beach, for example.

Episode 14: Sweet baby Jesus, I'm staying single forever. On purpose.

I've found that men on online dating sites can be split into two categories:  the seemingly normal guys and the  weirdos who just open with crazy.  Take this most recent series of messages and I'll let you guess which category I've put him in...

Him:  "I like thick you beautiful"

Seriously? Men really need to stop immediately complimenting body parts below the neck. It's not flattering, it's creepy.  How about the collar bone?  I'm kind of a fan of my collar bone.  Makes me feel all feminine (totally) and skinny (Ha!  Put down the chocolate.) when I see it in pictures.  Actually, on second thought, don't.  If you complemented my collar bone I'd probably wonder if you're Jeffrey Dahmer and sizing me up for dinner.

Episode 13: I'm on a boat.

Okay, I'm not really on a boat.    But I totally dated T-Pain.  Well, not really.  But my version of T-Pain has a boat.  He loves his boat.  And most of his profile pictures are of him on a boat. Now T-Pain is a date that has lingered.  Ya see, what had happened was T-Pain and I tried to coordinate a meet for about a month.  I wasn't super interested so didn't take special effort to make the time.  Then we actually set a meeting but he totally flaked on me.  I wrote him off, but he apologized sincerely.  My life was a tornado at that point, so no second meeting was immediately scheduled. One evening T-Pain was texting me trying to make plans.  Like instantaneous plans.  As in, he went from texting to asking me to get in my car and meet him somewhere.   Yeah, I require planning before entering into a stranger/danger situation. Someone's gotta know where I am so they can call the cops should I end up on your boat walking the plank. I'm all down for spontaneity with people I know. And have met. And I know their last name.

Episode 12: Are we having fun yet???

Online dating feels like shopping at a thrift store.  Everything is cheap, used or damaged, but you still hold out hope to find that gem!

Mr. Man of Few Words: His message was, and I quote, "WOW." 

That's it. I assume he meant Wow, what's a smart, attractive woman like you doing on a site like this? I can get into the strong silent type but you're going to need to expand the vocabulary a little bit, mkay?  Maybe I can get him Hooked on Phonics for our one week anniversary and he can write me a love letter for our second week anniversary.  You all celebrate relationships on a week by week basis, right??? 

Episode 11: I don’t like you, you don’t like me, let’s live our lives separately…

You totally sang that title, didn’t you?  The song is stuck in your head, isn’t it?  You’re welcome.

Mr. Gamer: He seemed like a decent guy, so we went on a date. Which ended up being more like an interview. Do you want me to send you an application to date me? I can do that. Also, if part of your ethnicity includes being Arabic, you should probably learn how to spell it. Here, I'll help. It's Lebanese, not Lebonase.

Episode 10: Is your kid coming on our date?

One recent morning, I awoke to a new message. Let's calls him "Are You Flipping Insane???" or AYFI for short.

Episode 9: The X-Rated Edition

Mr. Disgusting: His message was sexually explicit complete with added letters to certain words for effect. Explicit as in he offered to...perform....some, uh, "services" to a certain part of my anatomy.  After I scrubbed myself with a Brillo pad and bleach, he was blocked.

Episode 8: I don't have a Mr. Big, I have a Mr. Rude

Mr. Rude: Conversation starts normal. And then we hit the creepy button - "I just love your boobs. It's so big."

Episode 7: What a way to open a new week!

Not sure how your week started, but this may have been mine...

The Ghost: He tells me I'm gorgeous, stunning, and adorable. Finally, a man with impeccable taste! He lives in St. Augustine and tells me he's eager to date me and wants to meet. By the time I see the message, Mr. Ghost has disabled his account. This can only mean there was a massive earthquake that only took out St. Augustine. Surely someone so eager to bask in the glory of my company wouldn't message me and then disappear. Goodbye, my love. We shall meet in the afterlife.

Episode 6: The Saga Continues...

It's time to continue the saga of Le Chef.  I never did meet him or contact him again.  And then I found out the truth...

Episode 5: The Saga of Le Chef

Le Chef sent me a normal message and I responded. I actually gave him my number and then he screwed up. How, you ask? Well...

Episode 4 - Internet Randomness

When you have a profile on a dating site, you're guaranteed to get lots of random messages.

Creepy Old Man.  His message was "Nice boobs, young lady."  EEEEWWWWWWW.  

Boy Toy.  He was 24, had a good job, we had similar interests, and he was very attentive.  We went on 2 dates, he bought me a bottle of Moscato.  Problem?  I wasn't attracted to him.  Nada, zero, zilch on the chemistry meter.  Plus there was that whole age difference thing.  I don't usually date younger than myself - for good reason.  It was kinda like chatting with a brick wall.  But alas, Boy Toy found someone his own age and while I thought I was ghosting on him, he was ghosting on me.  Looks like we have our mutual dislike in common.

Episode 3 - The Heart Attack

Ah, yes.  I’ve told some of you about how I almost gave my mother a heart attack.  And it all surrounded Kayak Boy.  This one seemed normal at first.  There was decent conversation and he suggested a kayak trip for our first date.  He was tall, nice looking, could hold a conversation.  And then I met him.  And found out he was obviously pussy footing around having some mental health issues.  Then I found out his driver’s license was suspended after an accident (DUI, anyone???) and he expected me to always drive to him.  When I declined, his interest went from “I really like you and want to see you again” to “I just wasn’t feeling it.”

Episode 2 - Huggies vs. Pampers

Diaper Dude.  I chatted with this one many moons ago, when I was but a wee lass that decided to dip a toe into online dating.  What’s the number one thing you learn as you age?  Believe people when they tell you things about themselves.  Like Diaper Dude here.  His username included a brand of diapers.  I thought it was a joke.  Boy, oh boy, was I wrong.  Thought our limited discussions, I found out he wore diapers.  He said he had to and kind of liked it and he thought I was okay with the situation.  My friends told me I was an idiot when I relayed this story.

Episode 1 - Haven't I seen you somewhere?

Brazilian Dude:  Many moons ago I scheduled a date with BD.  After playing cat and mouse via text, we finally met late at night at a local restaurant.  He texted me when he arrived and I told him where I was and waited.  And waited a little more.   He drove by and called me and asked where I parked, so I told him.  And then the kicker:  he then tells me he sees his ex girlfriend's car in the lot and doesn't want to come inside.  According to him, he broke it off and she really was into him but he doesn't want drama.  

Welcome!

Well, well, well, we meet again, interwebs.  I had a blog for a number of years but left it to slowly die a forgotten death.  But I'm back and with stories!  Some of you have enjoyed some of my misadventures in dating, but I've decided to open it up for the world.  And maybe make an extra buck or two - those student loans aren't paying for themselves, mkay? 

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy this enough to share, and feel free to comment and share your own dating misadventures!