Let's first meet Mr. Hungstud. The information we can glean from his name indicates he likes rope and horses. No, that's not it. He likes ladders and poker? Oh, hung, not rung. Wait! I've got it! He drives a really flashy sports car! Right?? Right?? I'm totally right.
Dear Mr. Hungstud: Thank you for the interest. I'm gonna have to pass. You see, Mr. Hungstud, you're not really my type of guy. I'm mean, I'm sure some women will appreciate you immediately talking about your penis and, I presume, stud-like bedroom prowess. But I find that gross as hell. Not to mention if you're screaming your skills so loud it's your username, you're probably overestimating a tad. Now Mr. JeopardyChamp is welcome to hit me up. Mr. I'll Take Care of All Your Car Crap And Bring You Flowers can be my knight in shining armor any day. And Mr. I Like That You're Smart and Can Still Bake Cookies will win my heart forever.
But he isn't alone. Nay, Mr. BeerLover was also showing some baggage but you had to read his profile to find it. I know some of you have never had the pleasure of dipping a toe into the cesspool of online dating, so I'm going to help you by decoding Mr. Beer Lover's profile, mkay?
Sexy gal = I need to get laid.
Sensual = I've seen every bad porno ever made.
Open Minded = Are you okay with threesomes?
Must enjoy physical lovemaking = Please save me from my blow up doll.
Be selfless = Women don't REALLY have orgasms, do they???
"Girl-next-dorr" = Maybe I can pretend to be the mailman and you can be a lonely schoolgirl.
Mr. BeerLover strikes me as a man who is desperate and will basically date any woman who is willing to touch his naughty bits. We get it, Mr. BeerLover, you want some sexy time. This is not the way to achieve that. Your profile would have only been more obvious if it was sponsored by Trojan.
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