Episode 27: Robot? Human? You Decide.

Thanks to our guest poster for sharing her own dating misadventures! 

So I try out this new dating app (which will go unnamed, but think “bee”) and it is supposed to allow the woman to decide who they want to communicate with. You pick the age range and how far in distance you want to travel to meet someone. Then, the algorithm (not sure if it was developed by CIA or FBI) does its thing and up pops your potential matches. You either swipe left for “not in a million years” or swipe right for “sure, you don’t look like a serial killer”. If your potential match also liked you, then you get to look at his profile and start up a conversation. It’s totally a superficial way to pick a date, but what the heck.

Episode 26: Not the Brightest Crayon

Ermagherd.  Now listen, I don't profess to be a genius, but I am smarter than the average bear.  And I need to date someone who has some brains otherwise they won't get my smartass jokes and I'll be laughing and they'll be sitting there all awkward with a blank stare on their face.  

Episode 25: Revenge of the Dick Pic

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sad to say my streak of avoiding unsolicited dick pics has been broken.  Thanks, Paul.  Now I have to reset my "It's been ____ days since I've been sent a dick pic." sign.

Episode 24: I think I almost got engaged...

So let me tell you about Sean.  Sean messaged me and is apparently one of those guys who knows what he wants and goes after it when he finds it.  A few days ago, I was his target. Alas, the warning bells went off and I told Sean to move along.  Let me share with you the lovely messages I received...

Episode 23: Mr. Poet Returns

Yet another gem from Mr. Poet.  We're getting more background information so I can complete my profile and turn it over to Criminal Minds.

Episode 22: The Poet Laureate

I, along with presumably hundreds of other women, received a message from a man I can only describe as the self appointed online dating poet laureate.  Mr. Poet composes a novel and then utilizing his computer skills, he tries to ctrl+c/ctrl+v his way into some lucky lady's heart.  Behold, I give you Mr. Poet's piece de resistance in all its verbatim glory:

Episode 21: Um, what???

So I received a message from a guy that said: "Haven't called u playin games"

Um, what??? No clue who this guy is, no clue what his name is.  He isn't my type and I sure as hell wouldn't have said I'd call him. So I'm left to wonder (1) who is he confusing me with? or (2) is this some jacked up pick up line I was supposed to fall for?  I didn't answer, so it will remain a mystery.

And then there was this one:
"Hi (smiley emoticon) I like your profile and your Big Brain (laughing crying emoticon) are you christian? Are you familiar to Catch the fire and house of prayer churches there in toronto? I am going there this summer (blushing emoticon) Anyways I like you and your profile (winky emoticon) God Bless you (heart) seeya!"

Episode 20: Liars Need Not Apply

What the hell is up with men lying about their age???  And it's not like a year or two, we're talking decades.

First there was Mr. Counselor.  He worked for a local social services agency and seemed educated and interesting.  We had some decent conversations and met for coffee.

Mr. C:  Well, I know I said I'm 34, but I'm not.
Me:  Really?  I had no clue you weren't 34.  The face that looks at least a decade older than that didn't give me the slightest clue.

Episode 19: That's your best line?

I'm seeing a pattern of men using the same line over and over.  Apparently it must work at least some of the time or they'd find something else to try.

Mr. Polygamist:  Hi most people hate when guys lie and have hidden agenda so I'll get straight to the point can you marry me
Me: So you're a bigamist? Because it looks like you've asked many women to marry you today.
Mr. Polygamist: No not true at all.
Me: Oh, so just me and my friend then?
Mr. Polygamist: Lol this is true actually only message 3 people honestly.

Episode 18: Your emotional baggage is showing.

I wonder if therapists ever go online dating.  It's a treasure trove of dysfunction and  probably a therapist's dream.  Sometimes people make it really easy to see the hangups and issues they're toting around from a previous relationship.  
Let's first meet Mr. Hungstud.  The information we can glean from his name indicates he likes rope and horses.  No, that's not it.  He likes ladders and poker?  Oh, hung, not rung.  Wait!  I've got it!  He drives a really flashy sports car!  Right?? Right??  I'm totally right.